Lord God,

I see from my last journal that I was praying to love more, to care more. You know my prayers.

Right now I feel so lost. Part of me gains strength believing in You. I run up against the impossible. And then you can hear the stress in my voice. And then I proceed despite how I feel because I know You can do this.

Yet again You always tell me to work as part of a team. And yet again You have not provided me with any team. You have me working alone again. There is no one joining me. Last night you gave me a vision of two teams. One had no uniform. The other made their own beautiful red uniforms.

One person performed heart surgery on himself. He was a fish. I think that person was me.

That is how ludicrous it is to work without a team. Somehow the fish survived. That was the strange thing about the dream.

You showed me in this dream a very great musician with all his trophies. He was inviting me to participate. On one shelf he showed me classical dance, on another jazz. Pictures of costumes, ballet, excellence in the performing arts. He invited me to join. These were the rewards for joining. He was inviting me to his team. But I had no talent for dance or for song. My talent didn't fit into his pictures.

You Lord. You gave me the talent that I have. It is the ability to think, to solve problems, to propose ideas, to create web sites, to set up programs. Yet You have allowed me to suffer at the hands of the evil one, to appear defeated, even to feel You have abandoned me. Though I know You would never do so.

Lord, the small groups I was fellowshiping with disbanded. Each went their own way. Programs were set up for six or thirty-six weeks. Commitments ended. Deeper bonds failed to set in. Church knows what it wants to be but Your Spirit is not moving us in unity. We are powerless in our isolation. Those still in groups are in a business-as-usual mode. Few are faithful in prayer. Not even me.

But I will contact my small group friends. And I will see if that is where team will form. Lord, help me break away from this relationship of being a man in need. That is all I think they see in me. I make suggestions and they seem numb. No one responds.

Father, You know how frightened I was yesterday when Lisa called me saying she thought she was having another stroke. Lord God, at what point should I concede defeat? It was because she felt so pressured. Please, release us from this burden. She wants me to begin working from home and I agree. But no one is responding so far to THE GUIDE, to be a 500 member. And I don't have time to get the signatures by myself. Neither could we afford a billboard. And nobody has made any donations. I don't know who to talk to. The church says it is too busy. I started sending out emails to NPOs but realized it could be construed as spam. What else can I do? It even seems ludicrous to pay for a P.O. Box.

I had hoped THE GUIDE would present a good networking opportunity. Maybe somebody would discover my talent. Maybe somebody would support me. It is right here at this computer that the best of me seems to come out. I don't know what else to do, Lord. Therefore, I ask You to do the impossible. Bless this work.

Heavenly Father, Moses was up against the Red Sea with Pharoah chasing after him and you held back the enemy with a flaming fire. There was pressure. And he, like me, did not feel qualified to sell anything to the powerful. But you asked him to have faith. And you even became angry with him for his lack of it. That is where I feel I stand. I wonder whether You are dishonored by my cries for help. But who else do I turn to? I get perplexed, wondering whether I really heard from You. You didn't speak to me through a burning bush. But how else can I interpret my life? You haven't spoken to me in any other way.

This you say to me. You are the living God, my friend, my Comfort. You say relax. You are in control. Be at peace. Lord, I rejoice in You. You touch my heart with Your Glory. How awesome it is to stand in Your Presence. To know that I am loved by You. To know that I am given life. To know that I am forgiven. To know that I am weak yet strong in You. This is what You constantly say to me. But this is what I hear only when I am attentive. And I am not nearly as attentive as I would like to be. I've failed You in so many ways. But Lord let me persevere in my first love for You. Don't erase my name from the book of life. Leave me there as the remnant of Sardis.

Lord, having prayed now I thank You. I know You have heard me. I know that all is well in Your hands. I don't know how You will answer my prayer. But I know that You will. And in this knowledge my anxiety leaves me at peace again. I will continue to do my duties. And that includes making THE GUIDE as good as I can while it is in my hands, whether or not anyone responds. Today, I will go to the Palm Beach Post and to Channel Five and see what happens. And I will open a P.O. Box so that people don't have to dump their pledges on our porch. I am making an investment in this because I think I have heard from You. Lord, let me hear clearly from You. You know I can't afford to make mistakes.

I trust You, Lord God. And I thank You. Bless Your Spirit. I love You.