Lord Jesus,

I had another dream two nights ago. In this dream very large butterflies were coming to land. There was one that was black and dark blue. It landed on my chest. It was so big I thought it might eat me. I tried to pull it away but it overpowered me.

Jonathan then caught several butterflies the same day. And over the weekend we sent Chris's Lisa to sea with a black and dark blue cardboard butterfly to symbolize her freedom and departure. It was eerie seeing exactly what I had seen in my dream on that cardboard.

I loved the sweet smell of incense emminating from her ashes. She must have pleased You. But I think the butterfly symbolized sorrow, rather than newness of life in that it put such a great weight on my chest.

Jesus, You saved me. I brought You my sorrows. My trouble is over in You. And I can't bear it. You know I've lost confidence. No one has come to help. You are all I have. You let me know it is all ok even though my goals have been thwarted, even though Lisa is disparing, even though all the things I have tried have failed.

You have walked here with me. Lord, I need you to carry me now. I have no more strength. And when I indicated my belief that no one would help with THE GUIDE, that it would fail, Lisa took a dive. She had been doing so well. But today she was full of tears. I need You to give me hope so I can convey it to her. I have to always be the one to cheer her on. But my sorrow was overflowing today. And now she is in dark depression.

You will never fail me, Lord God. I don't understand this trial but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I have been battered without ceasing ever since I met You. I still know who You are. What can satan do to me? You are my refuge. You have plans to prosper me. I don't know when. And when I am in my right mind I don't care.

It was hard to praise You today, Lord God. I feel like I've been through a washing machine, tumbling in the dryer, limp like a dead man. I have nothing left. And Lisa feels the same way. Lord, I wish You would send someone to encourage me. I wish You would make THE GUIDE work as it should. It isn't too late. With Your touch, Heavenly Father, it could still succeed. There isn't much time left. What do You want to do, Lord? I have offered this to You. I have asked Your blessings on it. It is up to You to bring the people to it. I can't do that. Holy Spirit, I call on You. What will You do?

Lord, I am going to sleep now. And when I wake may the day be blessed. Let there be incense in Your nostrils like the incense I smelled from Lisa's ashes. You are so good to me. I love You.