Merciful Father, today I fear to call you "Lord" because you are not fully the Master of my heart. I have found myself pondering over my love for girls I knew over thirty years ago as a boy in the waking hours of this day. I have been fantasizing about what life could have been like if I could go back to my childhood and do everything all over again. I would certainly have changed many things. But I realize that I still haven't broken my childhood attachments. It can't yet be said that if I could live my life over again I would necessarily live purely. I have caught myself thinking about what it would have been like if I had pursued my next door neighbor, LeeAnn Creston, at a young age. I was so much in love with PattyAnn that I never gave LeeAnn any thought. It has made me consider again how strong my love was for PattyAnn. I think back through the many nights and days when I've imagined myself being in the presence of PattyAnn. There she examines my heart because in dreams words aren't a barrier. And there she sees and realizes how real my love for her was, and to a great extent still is. It's as though that love should have earned her affection. Lord, you know it was never a sexual interest. You know that the only time I ever even kissed PattyAnn was during a game of "Catch and Kiss" at Shan Frogel's party. I think back at how much she must have hated that kiss, how in my childhood naivety I thought that by kissing so hard she might understand how much I loved her. But she never did. And I just slipped back into my shy obscurity, rarely if ever to be remembered by her, except as a very weird boy and a very bad kisser.

Not so would it be if I had my life to live all over again, I fantasize in these dreams of the night. But I've also been told that PattyAnn really never was my type. This only gets me thinking about LeeAnn, whom I never really had that kind of love for. If I had been smart, I think to myself, I would have gone after LeeAnn. Maybe so. But as a married man to think about either her or PattyAnn amounts to infidelity. It shouldn't be any surprise to me that I should be tempted in this way. I have been coming against the kingdom of satan in prayer for many many years. And I know you have heard my prayers. However, they may have been hindered. And that is what I think these fantasies are all about.

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers"
(1 Pt. 3:7).

You use the word "ekkoptesthai" Lord, which means "hinder." And in our men's fellowship group this is our memory verse next week so I need to get started on it. But more importantly I need and I desire to live according to it. And the applications go in many directions. It regards not only the purity of my thought-life, but all of the things I do in my home. It means also that I should be kind not only to Lisa but also to Iona. You know how difficult this can be. It means that none of my time is my own. So if I feel I have many things to do I have to give them all to you. I can't attach my heart to any of them. Some things are just duties. Others are passions. And when I am called to sacrifice my passions my flesh often strikes back. They have become idols. Even if I listen to tapes on the virtues of silence I prove my own hopelessness by spewing out acidic comments when my prescious time is taken away. It's as though I have no strength to hold back my tongue. Lord, deliver me from this. Out of the heart the mouth speaks. And my sin is ever before me. If I praised you for all of your many deeds you wouldn't hear me. If I thank you for all you've done you wouldn't hear it. So I come before you this morning confessing my sin and my weakness. I ask that you turn me into a real man, one who is like you. I can't do this on my own strength. I know that you will forgive me. But I ask that you transform me. Please, Lord, let it be far from me that I should do any harm to your kingdom. Rather, change me.

Make me to realize, Lord, that my time is not my own. I have given you all that I have but up until now I think I have failed to give you all of my time. And I fear what I have given back to you may seem like mere lip-service. You are the Lord of my life, dear Jesus. I ask you now to be my Master rather than this Mamon of time. That includes both past, present and future. I give my whole life to you from childhood onward. Please, take the keys to my home. I wish to give it to you and be your servant. I release to you these memories of the past. I accept the fact that all things in my life will work together for good because your purposes in my life will reveal your perfection. I stand in awe as I consider that you have the power to perform the greatest of all possible goods as you orchestrate all things. And you do this despite the sin of the world and despite my sin and despite human freedom. I don't understand how you can accomplish it. But you have revealed that you do. In faith I thank you even when you seem to be sleeping in a storm-tossed boat. Such is life. But you are Lord of all. How can I ever thank you? How can I ever praise you as you deserve? How can I ever even know you? I don't even fully know myself. Unfortunately, I just keep discovering new layers of sin hidden inside of me. Lord, help me to find you in solitude and in silence that my words, what few of them are spoken, may be a reflection of the divine glory I have invited into my heart. Amen.