Dear Helper, Dear Advocate, Dear Savior, Merciful Lord, I have been angry at you today. Part of it is probably the wine I drank last night and my lack of discipline. I woke up late and skipped church because of a job. Maybe satan will want to take advantage of this temporary separation between us. I'll watch for it. I thank you for teaching me to guard my heart. But right now I have feelings that I need to discuss with you. Lisa is in bed because she doesn't see any reason to do anything else. She is depressed. And I can't blame her. I've offered her all of the encouragement I can muster. I'm angered because I can't seem to win this battle. I can't win the battle against my own flesh. I can't win the battle of guarding my heart and watchfulness. I can't win the battle of Lisa's healing. I wonder why you haven't healed her completely, only half-way. I wonder whether you are punishing us for our failings. This is how she feels. I could have been kinder to Iona. I've failed to recognize the depth of my sin. But I'm angered because you promised forgiveness. You shouldn't be holding the consequences of my sin against me or, especially, against my wife. Not because our punishment is not deserved. It is. But because of your promises. I am angered because I have asked you for mercy and forgiveness, to be seen as a new creation by you. And I have sought to live according to your word and according to the spirit. I have trusted in your grace. My flesh has failed me. But it has not been me doing wrong things, but sin in me. Therefore, I have sought you and asked for mercy. And your word has promised that you would not spurn a humble and a contrite heart. And you know the sorrows of my soul. I am angered that I am condemned despite your promises. I am angered that forgiveness and salvation is available to everyone but me.

You know I am speaking what I know is untrue. I know your salvation is for me. But I don't understand why I have no control over these circumstances. I don't understand why you have not healed Lisa, why you allow her to sink down into despair. 50% healing is not enough. She wants her old life back. And I am powerless to give it to her. Yet, you could heal her but you don't. And I don't understand your reasoning. I don't understand the point of frustrating my life to no end. I have tried to earn a good income but my business was sabotaged. I have tried to create unity in the church but you made clear to me that there were walls that were not going to melt away. You have taught me to love the fathers but no one cares about them except the lifeless. Therefore, I am a useless person. Everything I do is a useless excersize, a waste of time. I would continue to work towards what you have shown me is good but I am tired of seeing no fruit.

Even so, you have sustained me until now. You have fed me. I have not lacked a meal or a roof over my family's head. You have provided for us and you have shown us friendship. And you have called us to witness to others, even a testimony of your healing power. Surely, Lisa was going to die, she couldn't walk. But you healed her. And this is an encouragement to others, even if it is not enough for her. And I haven't stopped praying for the transformation of the world. Only I am tired. I have not strength left to carry on. I need to see some fruit from all of these labors. I have lived too long without answers. I am tired of living constantly in the darkness of faith alone.

I know better than to be angry at you, Lord. I'm speaking foolishness. I know that your purposes are perfect. I don't see them but I trust in you. Only my very body is now crying out from weariness. And I am seeing my wife's spirit destroyed. I am crying out to you for help. Please, do not let her sink into despair. Please, give to her the hope that I can't give to her right now. She asked for a complete healing and you failed to bless her with it. We prayed for financial favor and honestly, I just feel oppression. My job is insufficient to deliver us. What I need is you. And we have both been crying out to you but you have forced us to live day to day, rather than providing either good health or financial security. I know this is what you did for the Israelites. I know you like to test our faith. I am just worn out from being tested all these years. And as kind as you have been to move others to donate to us it is humiliating to be forced to ask others for help, especially for any continued period of time. Please, do not force me to beg anymore, Lord. I feel like a worm and not a man.

Be all that as it may I ask for one thing - wisdom. I would like to understand what I can't understand. I would like to know why we continue in oppression when we are children of the living God. How can that be so? Why are we powerless? Why do we feel condemned when we know we are washed in your cleansing blood? Why do we look at you as vengeful when we know that you are not only merciful, but died for us? Where is your power? I mean supernatural power. I serve the living God. And yet my God remains silent. You give me your word, even the Logos, but you don't answer me when I cry out to you. My body is wasting away. I would never betray you or deny you, Lord. You have taught me to love you. But I am without strength. Forgive my ingratitude. You answered my prayers before when I asked for miracles, when I asked that you supply our material needs at Christmas so that I could buy toys for the boys and also pay our rent and pay off our credit cards. We succeeded. Everything is paid. Supernatural aid was provided. Three separate groups all adopted our family for the holidays and others, knowing our need, also gave generously. We lacked for no material thing. You clearly answered my prayer. But the one thing Lisa wanted most you didn't supply. She wanted the use of her arm back. And now she sleeps in darkness and depression. I don't have an answer. I know you will do what is right and what is good. But I don't understant why you have waited to heal her. This course seems too difficult for us and I wonder whether she will ever be completely healed. Don't wait any longer, Lord. Not my will but thy will be done, Dear Father. Grant wisdom and peace to me now and in the coming year. Show me your glory, Lord. Amen.